Elder and Sister Bednar Share Lessons Learned From 50 Years of Marriage

This story appears here courtesy of TheChurchNews.com. It is not for use by other media.

By Rachel Sterzer Gibson, Church News

One of the things that impressed BYU–Idaho students about the Sunday, March 9, devotional with Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and his wife, Sister Susan Bednar, was the format.

Instead of standing behind the pulpit and delivering remarks one at a time, the couple sat side by side in chairs off to the side of the I-Center auditorium’s large rostrum.

Without the aid of a script, teleprompter or notes, Elder and Sister Bednar simply engaged in a conversation with one another. With the Sunday evening devotional on the Rexburg, Idaho, campus taking place roughly a week prior to their 50th wedding anniversary, Elder and Sister Bednar recounted experiences — some tender, some lighthearted — and shared lessons they’ve learned about marriage and family over the last five decades.

“I really felt like I was just in their living room, and they were giving me advice and telling me about their lives,” said Dylan Nielsen, a junior studying business marketing.

The less-formal setup made the devotional feel “very close and personal,” despite there being roughly 12,000 people in the audience, commented BYU–Idaho student Savannah Cordray, a junior studying health psychology.

“They spoke to us as if we were their grandchildren, and they were reminiscing on all of the precious memories they’ve made over their 50 years of marriage,” said Cordray.

It was under Elder Bednar’s tenure as president that BYU–Idaho transitioned from a two-year college to a four-year university more than 20 years ago. The couple noted they were serving as the president and first lady of the school when they celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.

Elder Bednar, who was ordained and set apart as an Apostle in 2004, told students, “Being here so close to our 50th anniversary, we could think of no place where we would feel more comfortable talking about these kinds of important, mortal and eternal issues than with all of you.”

Throughout the evening, the couple bore witness of the central role of the family in God’s plan, the importance of creating a marriage and a home that is centered on Jesus Christ, and the joy that can be found in those relationships.

Elder Bednar repeatedly emphasized that happiness in marriage and family life is not found. It is created. “My prayer is that every single one of you can hear that simple statement, that it will be confirmed in your heart as true by the power of the Holy Ghost, because it applies to you,” he said, once again emphasizing, “It is true, and it is for you.”

Read this related article from the Church News What this BYU professor told the U.N. about why marriage and family matters

‘You Do Not Find It. You Create It’

Each Monday night for nearly eight years, the Bednars hosted student home evenings in Rexburg. Elder Bednar said they estimate they met with approximately 80,000 students during their tenure. A question that appeared nearly every week in some form centered around the “universal yearning” for a happy marriage and family life. Having witnessed or experienced the heartache of divorce and the breaking of covenants, many young people want hope or reassurance that such happiness is possible for them.

“We have learned that because you are afraid of that heartache, you search and search for the person who will guarantee that you will never again have that kind of heartache,” Elder Bednar observed.

Many people function under the false assumption that if they find the “right” person, they will be happy. “You do not find the marriage you want to have. You create it,” Elder Bednar declared.

Sister Bednar said marriage is both wonderful and, at times, challenging. When life gets hard, she said, she thinks back to their sealing in the house of the Lord. “I remember the excitement that we had, the hope that we had, the desires that we had to create a happy home.” Turning to her husband, Sister Bednar continued, “And I remember looking at you during that ceremony, and you looking at me, and then all the things that we are fussing about go away.”

Added Elder Bednar: “The house of the Lord — the sealing that takes place — is an opportunity. It is not a guarantee. It is predicated upon our faithfulness in honoring the covenants, keeping the commandments, and becoming ever more devoted disciples of Jesus Christ. Returning often to participate in that holy ordinance is one of the greatest reminders of what we are trying to establish and to become.”

That was a principle that resonated with Cordray, who is engaged and preparing to marry. “I could recognize myself in what [Elder Bednar] had to say about searching for someone who will never make me feel heartache and doubt again.”

Sunday’s devotional reinforced to her that such an expectation is unrealistic. “I feel so much better taking the next step,” she said. Elder and Sister Bednar’s counsel reminded her that she and her soon-to-be spouse can turn to the Savior when they experience heartache, doubt or strife. “[He is] the firm foundation a marriage can stand on.”

Emmanuel Kissi, a senior majoring in business analytics and finance, was struck by the emphasis on being proactive in relationships. “It served as a reminder that successful relationships are built on mutual respect and continuous effort, not just mere luck,” he said.

The devotional has inspired him to be more mindful of how he contributes to healthy and respectful dynamics in all areas of his life, Kissi said.

Simple Joys

Elder Bednar noted that creating a happy marriage is demanding work. “Sometimes it is frustrating. It is also the most deliriously joyful and happy thing you can experience in mortality.”

To create a happy family life, Elder and Sister Bednar encouraged listeners to find joy in simple activities and moments.

To illustrate, they showed a battered, well-used game of Scrabble they received as a wedding present. Sister Bednar explained that instead of playing for points and competing against one another, the two of them work together to try to use up all the letter tiles.

At times when they are frustrated or “fussy” with one another, one of them will invite the other to play Scrabble, and soon the two are cooperating and working together and in harmony once more.

“Marriage is not big vacations. It is not big, grandiose outings. It is little, simple, oftentimes silly things that you do that you always remember,” Elder Bednar commented.

Nielsen, who was married just two months ago, said he loved Elder and Sister Bednar’s Scrabble game example. “I want to do that with [my wife], Miriam — maybe for us it’s not Scrabble, maybe it’s something else — but just having something that we do together on a regular basis that will bring us closer together.”

Listening to Elder and Sister Bednar, Esther Faria, a senior studying child development and marriage and family studies, said she also appreciated the reminder that money does not buy happiness. “[Elder Bednar] said it was through simple and silly things that they found joy in their family when they were in their stage of young children and university costs. They didn’t need money to create fun memories with their children.”

Press Into Uncertainty

Sister Bednar said they never could have predicted the trajectory of their life together.

“What happened along the way has been a never-ending series of surprises,” said Elder Bednar.

Plan, work, study, ponder and then press forward and do your best, he counseled. “Faith in the Savior is a principle of action. You act first in accordance with the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ, then and only then does the witness come. So, if you are honoring covenants, keeping commandments, pressing forward, you will be where you are supposed to be, and you will be doing what you are supposed to do.”

Those who “press forward with steadfastness in Christ” cannot go amiss, he added.

God will never override agency or micromanage individuals’ lives. But those who give their whole souls to Him, who allow Him to be in control, will find “life is better than you can ever imagine,” Elder Bednar promised.

Cordray said she is a planner. “I like to know what will happen and what I can do to make sure everything goes right.”

During the devotional, Elder Bednar said, “If we were to write a script for our life knowing what we know now, it could not have been as good as what actually happened.”

Applying that to herself, Cordray said, “That’s such a beautiful promise.” She now wants to be better at turning “the plan” over to the Lord and seeing what He has in store.

“Something that stuck with me is when Elder Bednar said that it takes two to create a covenant connection. I know that [my relationship with my husband] will become so much stronger if we give control to Him,” she said.

Copyright 2025 Deseret News Publishing Company.